Although most of my friends say that I am emotionally stronger than most of them, I do believe that there's a big difference between the metaphor I would never admit to be and knowing how to not be dependent over a relationship.
Unlike many people i know, I stayed single most of my life. The longest I've ever been with a guy is 2 years and it felt like forever until he cheated on me, which, looking at it now, is the best gift he could have ever given me. It was my first heartbreak as anyone who experienced being lied to and all, but more than that was because my world was at the palm of his hands, with my consent. After that experience, I learned the most important lesson about love: The world doesn't revolve around just the two of you.
Two years later, I found myself in a new place with new found friends and numerous acquaintances. Until I met a guy, who had "given me forever in a numbered days". He was insanely beautiful and I was crazy about him that I can't help it. That was a great 2 weeks for us, and then he went to where he was supposed be. The conquest of missing someone defines one's vulnerability with factors like distance and with that, I learned the hard way to never settle for what's convenient. Beating time zones was not as hard as 'sitting next to your lover and feeling lonely'.
I wish I said all the things I have wanted him to know in the first place, and most of the time second chances rarely happen. And so I told myself that the next time I do feel that same feeling, I would never hinder myself the pleasure of saying true things. I would trade all the flings and pseudo dates for that moment when we were both looking at the horizon with city lights and starry sky lighting the blank canvas, and our silence gave us warmth from the cold of the night.
The feeling of regret and things in between can always be lighten when you have a shoulder to hang your frustrations on. And it's a pretty good feeling to know someone out there is listening to all your blabs and blahs. Good thing I have someone like that during those down times. And then suddenly, we were going out, together, alone and yes, we did have a lot of good times together. I found comfort with someone who knew me well more than any guy out there; who accepts me despite the fact of how unlovable I can become. This pretty much sums up how good our relationship would be if we both end up together, but much to everyone's disappointment, well, we already had a shot of that a long time ago. And as you've been told, second chances rarely do happen. As James Patterson best put it, "But remember that you have to move on, somehow. You just pick your head up and stare at something beautiful like the sky or the ocean, and then you move the hell on." I did that one day.
One summer, in one of the most beautiful sights of nature I planted my heart to grow. It was one of those random trips with friends that I met him. A beautiful, smart, complete stranger who actually never talked to me personally the night that we met but ended up talking over the phone till the wee hours of the morning, 6 months after. Talking to a stranger is one of the few real things in this life. We got to share a lot of ourselves to someone who wouldn't mind if you've been a complete a-hole all your life, or you've been part of the dance group during grade school because all that was who you were. Of all those words you utter are purely of understanding, and not judgement.
And so, I jumped for it. with that beautiful complete stranger. Hopped on a plane and hear how completely mesmerizing the sound of his laugh and yes, he had me at that. It was the first time that put all my apprehensions and fears aside and jump off the cliff and I tell you, it doesn't get any better than going for what you want. For the first time, I didn't care of what my brain said, and let my heart did the talking. It was a crazy ride but I wouldn't be anywhere else. That made me realize that Love, as utterly cliche people defines it to be, Love is easy breezy, as Sunday morning. It doesn't make you get up and work so hard and feel tired at the end of the day. Instead, it makes you feel alive that everything is effortless in doing the things you need to do, but only if you have the courage to take that risk of having your heart shattered to pieces and feel like everyday is the world-upon-your-shoulders day.
And then one day, I woke up to a beautiful dream. Reality bites you so perfectly that you became oblivious of the fact that somebody already owns your Sunday. It was ripped-me-apart kind of pain but nevertheless, I had to own up to my fault and decision and hope that this, too, shall pass. I think, that in every happiness, there's always a sad story to it. And my story has to end with the bittersweet memory that my prince could have given me the world but maybe, I can only take it when I am the princess in my own fairy tale.
It was as real as I remember it to be. The beauty of it all, probably would last until I can't remember anymore. It may not be the happy ending as I have imagined it to be since I first knew love through fairy tales told to me by my parents, but experiences, the mistakes as being part of it, as they say, make you only better.
I remember a guy friend who told me that I have huge boundary issues. That guys welcome that challenge but I built my wall too high to tear down. My fences are wrapped in barbed wire with pit bulls guarding my entrance. I don't know, maybe I do sometimes but if you are to ask me if I'm willing to do it all over again? Without a doubt, in a heartbeat, certainly. I don't mind being broken because it only means I am whole when I love. Besides, if I'll get tired to take the risk, how am I suppose to meet you?
Let me tell you a little secret: I write you letters. Letters that I compose mostly when I am with my friends, on a vacation, doing groceries, or simply taking a hot shower--- all these times when I feel that I am at my happiest. I don't wanna write you letters when I feel lonely because you'll only feel pity for me when you read my writings. As what I always tell my friends, you can only love completely once you learn to completely accept and, eventually, love yourself. So I write to you when I feel the weather a little colder, the sun shines brighter and the music's too good to my ears. That way, I won't feel the need of you completing me, because I am before we even meet. Finally meeting you, my lucky strike, will all be about believing that I have done something right in my life to deserve you.
I now understand that though love is about us at the end of the day, we have to grow individually, and together at the same time. There is a lot to learn in this world and I would like to be the last person to keep you from knowing what's out there. We'll collide our worlds into a bigger world as we learn about each other in the process. That, if distance separates us, know that I wouldn't trade what we have for anything, even If it's Ryan Gosling we're talking about. We'll create new memories together, sign arrival cards and know cultures and eat street food; make you your favorite breakfast as we watch the sunrise sipping coffee talking about things that matter and what doesn't matter. I wouldn't care that you fart too much or that you sing a little out of tune with your wrong lyrics. We'll be each other's best friend. I will tell (or write to you) you what's bugging me and you can tell me everything and expect a little scolding but that doesn't mean I love you any less. I will make all days of the week a Sunday or at least at the end of your hectic days feel like Sunday.
Sometimes, I wonder when I would finally meet you. I told myself a lot of times that I am ready to take on a 1&11 kind of love but to every piece of me that says that, another piece answers me back with a question about you, "Are you even ready for me?" Maybe, right now you are in a fucked up relationship with your high school sweetheart. Maybe, you just came from a devastating breakup and trying to find yourself. Maybe, you enjoy singlehood too much you already became so coward of being attached to someone. Maybe you are so busy concentrating on your career and getting rich. Maybe you still have hang ups about your past. Well, truth be told, I have my own share of Maybe's like you have. I have my own demons to conquer, too. Maybe, I'll meet someone better. Maybe, I am not pretty or smart or rich or intelligent enough. Maybe, I'm better off alone. Blah blah. My maybe list about you and me will go on forever.
Nevertheless, I have a firm belief that one day, God will destined us to meet, somewhere, somehow, at His right time. That time when we already know who we are, what we want and what we are scared of losing. I will be waiting for that day. And once you finally find me, please know that I am a sucker for letters of your own handwriting, that I prefer breakfast dates over any meal of the day because I pretty much love mornings. That I love it when you kiss my hair and hug me so tight I could drown in your arms. That I always replay in my head our last (perfect) kiss before we part ways so better make it count! Above all, I always say the wrong words so please listen to my heart ( or better read my blog hahaha) when what you hear seem to fail you.
Love,
Mae Ann
PS. Please find me still lovable even when I am a mess when I eat. That's what you are to me whenever I see you, I find something to love you even more.
