In between thoughts.
Farewell to the social networking site that brought people closer before the Facebook emerged itself. Now that all personal accounts will be deleted and you'll be concentrating on you famous marketplace, I think it's just right to give you proper credit. I think you are the most organized, self absorbed social site. I didn't really had that much hard time exploring you. Add to that, you witnessed all the memories I had during college, my young love, and that heart ache! Damn. Three years have gone by too fast! I'm sorry, I wasn't able to put up with your demands on my mail inbox. Many times, you tried reaching out but I guess I got too fond on FB and, sad to say, I failed to reconnect because, really, I forgot my password. So before I say farewell to you, as I waved my hands bye on Flickr less than a month ago, let me have something to remember you by. This is the last post I made on my blog, dated October 29, 2009. Wow, what better way to let my emotions out during the time when my heart was at its lowest than to blog. Hahaha. Seriously, do you think I changed so much in terms of how I write?
Xoxo,
Mae
| To the person who made me laugh and cry at the same time | for everyone |
Waiting is painful.
Indeed. Oftentimes you'd help me by being the epitome of that virtue I thought I would never going to possess. But you nevertheless thought me to be patient, and to wait.
It has been seven months and three days. Every day, no matter how I tired or angry or happy I am, I never miss thinking about you. How you've been, who you're with, and how you enjoy your life back there. Of course, our ridiculously wonderful memories would not be of absence. That's what's keeping me here in the first place. I could not say, It's easy. It's, in fact the hardest waiting especially when everybody else around me has moved on from their past and has been telling me whenever I utter your name (may it be accidental or not, out of the topic or not) to just stop thinking of the past.
You're not my past, are you? You're actually all the tenses of the verb in me. For one thing, we're holding on to 'us'. You told me. Though I can't understand what you're going through, I know I can trust you with this decision. Although it pains me each day that I feel we're drifting farther and father away from each other, there's this rope that i'm still holding on to. I hope you, too, are firmly grasping to it.
Let me say, I am here because I want to make it up to you. I never said anything when we broke up, well, except that I said you were selfish. Truth is, I have my own share of selfishness, too. I was completely blinded by the fact that you were in love with me and that no matter what happens, you'd still go be there. And so, here we are.
I almost forgot why I fell inIove with you in the first place. Because we talked of things involving us, things about us,and things not exactly about us. We'd argue, we'd mess up but in the end we'd just laugh it all out and end it with smiles on our faces reasssuring that tomorrow, love's gonna much sweeter.
I want us to feel that again.
----
Forgetting is painful.
Told you, it wasn't at all easy.
Sometimes, oftentimes I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Perhaps, it's the dimensions that we're in. But it's not really.
I remember Gabe in the the movie Little Manhattan when he asked his Dad about how come love has to end, he said, "Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all. "
It's more because I don't know you anymore. There's been a lot that has happened that you have found comfort disclosing your feelings with other people than me. And now, I feel like I'm the person who know you the least. You have started your life without me and it seems that you're pretty much happy with you life right now.
I couldn't count how many times I've set aside the pride I've always have with you. You know that with my job, I could be there to you anytime, yet you seem to not want me. Either you say you're too busy, or you're busy. You're even too busy to send a simple SMS to say, "hey, i'm still here.", that I always have to be the one to make the effort to sound your cellphone though I'd recieve a reply. Funny, how I always end up saying your line "Here I go again". Well, the truth is, it was never funny being rejected everytime you offer your time and effort and feels not being wanted.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy. I know the technicalities of us. It's just that I remember my brother who once told me that if he asked his girlfriend for a space, he would always make an effort to never lost communication, to never fail to reassure her of her importance.
---
But not knowing which one to do is the worst kind of suffering.
Don't think I blame you for anything that's happening. I'm not. This should have been the feeling I've always wanted to tell you.
I wish the distance between us is enough of a space for us to concentrate on ourselves, enough of a space for us to breathe and discover that we can work things out despite the geographic challenge.
I wish it is that simple.
Everything happens for a reason. I don't regret anyhing that happened between us. In fact, if it wasn't for that decision, I would not be able to write you this. I would not be able to fully appreciate you, your love that has made me smile and bring to tears countless of times.
You made me change the way I see love, really. You actually have taught me a lot about that and then some.
And so I learned that love isn't about all the fancy, extravaggant things that's in between but about you, me and us. I learned quite a few hard lessons about you and us. Perhaps I should start putting me back. If and when that time comes, then maybe that will be the 'right time' that you keep insisting about.
I'm in a dilemma right now. To wait or to forget.
This time, I won't depend on your answer.
I have to find it on my own.
Indeed. Oftentimes you'd help me by being the epitome of that virtue I thought I would never going to possess. But you nevertheless thought me to be patient, and to wait.
It has been seven months and three days. Every day, no matter how I tired or angry or happy I am, I never miss thinking about you. How you've been, who you're with, and how you enjoy your life back there. Of course, our ridiculously wonderful memories would not be of absence. That's what's keeping me here in the first place. I could not say, It's easy. It's, in fact the hardest waiting especially when everybody else around me has moved on from their past and has been telling me whenever I utter your name (may it be accidental or not, out of the topic or not) to just stop thinking of the past.
You're not my past, are you? You're actually all the tenses of the verb in me. For one thing, we're holding on to 'us'. You told me. Though I can't understand what you're going through, I know I can trust you with this decision. Although it pains me each day that I feel we're drifting farther and father away from each other, there's this rope that i'm still holding on to. I hope you, too, are firmly grasping to it.
Let me say, I am here because I want to make it up to you. I never said anything when we broke up, well, except that I said you were selfish. Truth is, I have my own share of selfishness, too. I was completely blinded by the fact that you were in love with me and that no matter what happens, you'd still go be there. And so, here we are.
I almost forgot why I fell inIove with you in the first place. Because we talked of things involving us, things about us,and things not exactly about us. We'd argue, we'd mess up but in the end we'd just laugh it all out and end it with smiles on our faces reasssuring that tomorrow, love's gonna much sweeter.
I want us to feel that again.
----
Forgetting is painful.
Told you, it wasn't at all easy.
Sometimes, oftentimes I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Perhaps, it's the dimensions that we're in. But it's not really.
I remember Gabe in the the movie Little Manhattan when he asked his Dad about how come love has to end, he said, "Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all. "
It's more because I don't know you anymore. There's been a lot that has happened that you have found comfort disclosing your feelings with other people than me. And now, I feel like I'm the person who know you the least. You have started your life without me and it seems that you're pretty much happy with you life right now.
I couldn't count how many times I've set aside the pride I've always have with you. You know that with my job, I could be there to you anytime, yet you seem to not want me. Either you say you're too busy, or you're busy. You're even too busy to send a simple SMS to say, "hey, i'm still here.", that I always have to be the one to make the effort to sound your cellphone though I'd recieve a reply. Funny, how I always end up saying your line "Here I go again". Well, the truth is, it was never funny being rejected everytime you offer your time and effort and feels not being wanted.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy. I know the technicalities of us. It's just that I remember my brother who once told me that if he asked his girlfriend for a space, he would always make an effort to never lost communication, to never fail to reassure her of her importance.
---
But not knowing which one to do is the worst kind of suffering.
Don't think I blame you for anything that's happening. I'm not. This should have been the feeling I've always wanted to tell you.
I wish the distance between us is enough of a space for us to concentrate on ourselves, enough of a space for us to breathe and discover that we can work things out despite the geographic challenge.
I wish it is that simple.
Everything happens for a reason. I don't regret anyhing that happened between us. In fact, if it wasn't for that decision, I would not be able to write you this. I would not be able to fully appreciate you, your love that has made me smile and bring to tears countless of times.
You made me change the way I see love, really. You actually have taught me a lot about that and then some.
And so I learned that love isn't about all the fancy, extravaggant things that's in between but about you, me and us. I learned quite a few hard lessons about you and us. Perhaps I should start putting me back. If and when that time comes, then maybe that will be the 'right time' that you keep insisting about.
I'm in a dilemma right now. To wait or to forget.
This time, I won't depend on your answer.
I have to find it on my own.
