300th Letter

Dear You, 

I made a home in you for the past five years. 

You were all the emotions that contained me for the past five years. You've seen me grow from just posting quotes, to actually writing down my own vulnerability, stripping me off the masks I wear on other social media platforms.

You've witnessed me wishing for love, and not wishing for it; writing letters to You, whom by the way, I thought I finally met but sucked that it wasn't him all along. I saw You in every men that tried to know me deeper and whom I had allowed to. And in all those struggles about wishing, finding and losing love along the way, you were the only place I run to cry on. I always find comfort that you're just there, and me in all my vulnerability, waiting for me to come up with words, to come up with sentences to defend my choices, and  memories that I refused to forget. I am glad I did though I wish I have spent more time honing my skills by my frequent visits to you. I wish there could have been more time in keeping my mind in shape, to have something to do. 

2013 was the best year for us. Deadlines were met even if it means having to write after a dreadful overnight flights with eyes drooping and eyelashes doing butterfly kisses on the computer screen. I was writing because it fulfills my need on something to do, so there was something to look forward to every week, which happened to be something that I (learned to) love doing. And I was happy then. I was happy not needing anyone but hoping for one day to come along bringing a boy with it. Friends were superb part of life, they are always the things I like most, like a good massage and some 90s music.

There were a lot of stories to tell, but I chose to banish it in the deepest parts of me that seemed to have poisoned my person in some sort of way. I was diagnosed with a disease called not needing my own person. I put my happiness on people, and people taking it, and not giving it back wholly when they don't need it anymore. I failed myself through the process, and this a my way of hopelessly trying to bring myself back to how I was. It has scarred my being that the only way to heal from it is to become a completely different person. And this, writing again is one of the things that I want to bring back to my system. 

This is also my way of bidding farewell, You. I haven't reached my 300th letter but let's pretend we did. Those five years have gone by with me always talking to another person, writing letters to someone, to anyone. But I realized, on this process of curing this disease and the high hopes for the possibility of eventually healing, I have to give this up. I have to give this blog up. I have to give my voice another try, where it'll be all about me, still the vulnerable me, my thoughts, my imagination, my little victories and my failures. The rest, I have to leave behind. I know that this is a reminder of who I was, and the nouns that have put this blog into creation will forever bring a smile on my face when I reread it for youth reasons, no matter how old I get.  

Sending all my love with kisses.

Signing out,

Mae Ann

How's It Going?

Has it really been two years since I last made an entry here? I can't believe how time flies so fast, yet we seem to learn so little and so much, at the same time. I learn quite a few things since my absence here. 

Two years passed and I now know how to drive since I bought a car some seven months ago which is another learned skill of budgeting, a great responsibility I must say. Thinking of the comfort of home and not having to stay in dormitories anymore, the easy ride to places I want to go minus the Manila traffic, missing out on greedy drivers and their deepest sighs whenever traffic is standstill--- I must say that it was worth it afterall. 

Broke up with my best friend for a year, and here we are, trying to start where we left off. Had a deeper misunderstanding with one of my closest friends from work, which would probably take longer than not talking with my bestfriend for a year. The thing is, I learned quite a lot about friendships. Cliche as this may sound but  you don't really need a lot of people to surround yourself with. What you need are just few, real ones. On a sinking boat of friendship, you'll know who are real and those who are going to save themselves up, which is, of course, isn't bad. But stripping you off your lifejacket, which you will never do to them is another thing. It stings, by the way. 

I returned to writing here, because there never seemed to be a right place in the web for me. I seem to be the odd one out. I don't know if you ever felt like this. Everyone is on facebook humblebragging everything---new places they travel to but didn't really know the history of their profile photo's backdrop, cool people they hang out with though these would only remain an acquitance, new relationships with out common ground, anything new and fad that they just have to tell everyone. I'm not really comfortable divulging ng thoughts unless I want to get my message across with specific people. I tried to write on Hello Poetry for a few days because I want him to know my thoughts, but I lately realized that I'm invading his nook. I wanted him to hear me so badly I missed his point on trying to ascertain things that involved me.  So I quit. My fingertips brought me back here today, at the wee hours on a Black Saturday when everyone is probably    sleeping somewhere else. I just missed work today, and I woke up everyone in the house with my wail. I wanted to go to work, I really do. But I wanted to legitimately wail these days. I haven't had any of that because I have to pretend everything is fine about me. Everybody thinks I'm strong, and I hate it that I wanted them to continue thinking that, even when everything in me is being compromised by my mask. I don't know what to do anymore. 

My favorite professor messaged me an article about having your heart broken. I kind of recall much of it, and one thing that must be done is to write about it. So, I'm going to try, even when I'm all rusty now. I going to have to try. I only have myself now anyway. 

I don't think we can ever see the person's whole unless they let us. I think I stopped knowing people, because I stopped at trying to make them like me. I have enough people to keep me grounded, throw sincere praises when I deserve it, or even when I don't-- especially when I don't. But then again, there's this phrase 'just because'. It's funny when I think of people who said too much, without having seen that tiny part even, and although they don't deserve it, I have at least this two words to hold on to, to not wage war between selves, only shivers down my spine as I hear heartbreaking words, and remember that what Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally. 

Why

Flying back to Manila on a red eye flight from Cebu one summer morning. 

Oh, Instagram!

With the rise of social media, I have learned to read people without knowing them personally. How one posts cannot be misjudged with how much attention they seek and how passion with such thing move them. You look at one person's instagram account with his/her last five posts and you'd have an idea of the kind of person she is. Hashtags carry a lot more weight today than a photo's caption. Undeniably, the people you follow and look up to says a lot about your character. So when I decided to take down my IG account weeks ago and later on knew I couldn't get my old account back like how FB embraced me when I logged in again after deactivating for a month, I realized that it's really a good thing to start over. Although there are days when I miss my old account with the memories of the 1100+ photos I've taken since 3 years ago, minus, of course all the online shops, ridiculously hilarious people who unknowingly make fun of themselves by giving way too much information, not to mention these persistently patient stalkers. 

So anyway, here are few of my favorite accounts whom I adore and stalk most during my free time. 

I wish my life could be as spontaneously planned like her. She believes she should transform her life every 7 years. From being in flashy fancy lights of Manila's fashion, she braved to become a normal employee in the sand pit with the benefits to travel the world, where she eventually met and travelled to her dream cities with her boyfriend. Right now, she lives in the concrete jungle as she takes on the new challenges of being a wife. 

Everything she creates tells who she is: classy and elegant. I can't believe she's even a year younger than me but she has already accomplished so much. She started from the bottom of the ladder, working all the way to the top of Manila's fashion industry. All her updates keep me wishing I could wear her one day. One day. 

Beauty, brains, compassion towards others, and a whole lot more. Here is a reason why I don't hurry up on love,  especially on marriage. That there are a lot more things to dream of and achieve, a lot more places to travel to and a lot more love to give to the world. 

I wish to be as creative, as outspoken, as brave as she is. She works for news and current events media but still manages to create great shots in between her jobs. Oh, and some subtle romance on the side which makes me think, 'yeah, she has feelings, too. 

This woman happened to be one of my closest friends who gave me a bit of wisdom on what I should post on IG. She told me not to post photos of people who has no importance to who you are. I guess it makes a lot of sense that I want to look at my pictures and remember the people who are worth remembering, not because I look pretty in it. I am just so proud of how strong willed and generous she is as a sister.  Indeed, the world is waiting for her, the true wanderlust! 

So if we happen to know each other, I'm back with my original IG account name! See you then! 

Xoxo, 

Mae 

Happy 2014!

Sun setting on my way to Terminal 3 in Manila. Beautiful words from Neil Gaiman. 

Age Is A Number

Dear my 20s Birthday Girl,

I used to dread being 27, really, though I always thank God I didn't grow up liking musical instruments or have great vocals ( but I instead grew up with confidence to sing) or I would either be looking forward to being 27 to commit a creative kind of suicide and join the infamous 27 club. Back when I was 18, I always thought I'd get married 10 years after. I thought family life should start at 25 and I am in no less than, like any young adult, preparing myself for that kind of 'achievement' in life. My mom met my dad at 27 and got married at 28. A friend of mine got his first million on his 26th birthday, watching his business flourish like bottomless iced tea in an eat-all-you-can restaurant. Some friends were getting married or they have their own children at 25 bacause they wanted themselves to still be 'young and pretty' when they attend Parents-Teachers-Conference in their kid's school. So I thought, 27 was three years shy of being 30 and three years is just few years away to being 30, which most of the ladies out there totally digging not to be alone and unsecured  at that big 3 0. 

My friends and family know that I'm not a big fan of parties for birthdays. Of course I had great birthdays where I blow candles, too. But after my 18th birthday, where I was at school lining up for enrollment, and nobody ever greeted me, except for this one message from my brother, in behalf of all of them, greeting me a happy birthday, I've lost all the zest in my body, and soul included, for birthdays.

During my younger years where blowing candles means you're special 

I've learned to take birthdays as nothing special, like my dad used to make us think whenever we get too emotional and cry about him not being with us on Christmas Eve. Growing up with age of reason taught me that birthdays, are meant to remind you that you are another year older and that's it. You wake up the next day and it's not your birthday anymore. So I casually spend 22 hours  of my birthday in the house and  2 hours to have dinner with family, sometimes, with friends. That's how birthdays come to pass for me for many years. 

Don't get me wrong on that though. I may not have the most awesome birthdays prior to being 25, but it, nevertheless, taught me a lot about myself, which I found out to be the only things I should take note of for the rest of my years not to mention will have saved me a lot of moolah.

1.   Throwing a big party for yourself by yourself, doesn't mean you are deeply loved by the ones who are in attendance. Sometimes, all they wanted was to eat and get drunk for free. 
2.   Never ever forget to gift yourself. It doesn't matter if you splurge your month's salary in Hongkong shopping in Mongkok or buy a make up brush set like I bought myself last year. Never feel guilty about that. Nothing is too extravagant or simple as long as it makes you.  Besides, your day comes only once a year. 
3.  Relieve the past months. When it's nearing your birthday, take time to look back and reminisce how you are a year ago and don't forget to count your blessings. Check how you looked like the last time you blew that candle lights out. Remember the people who were with you at that phase in your life, and birthdays are such a great time to say, "Yeah, everything indeed happens for a reason." Don't forget to carry on that smile when you say that. 
4.  Things couldn't go wrong  even when some things get bad. Because I've had enough of bad birthdays, I decided to see things in a different light. Don't go lurking on how some people didn't even bother to remember, believe they have reasons. You have your share of that, too. 

During my 25th birthday, November 2011 when I learned to accept who I am entirely, despite insecurities and so many wonderful things.

As I transitioned to the late 20s, birthdays became simple but remarkable. Having the means to do the things you've always wanted to do sets out the standard. Of course, days off on birthdays are a must. What's to enjoy on your big day when you got tons of things in mind at work, or worse, to even be at work? On my 25th birthday, I kinda threw myself some nice dinner with my relatives and close friends wearing mandatory blue clothing! It was to my surprise that all of them complied to my indulgence. At this quarter life, with so many things I went past through---broken hearts and dreams, people passing through and choosing to stay, I learned to overcome myself with my loathing of what I do not have growing up. I learned to accept that I can't have a skin as white as my Chinese friends so I started loving my Filipina skin instead; that I come in second or third place, even last sometimes, because there are things I am good at and there are things I can't even possibly imagine doing.I learned to accept who my parents are, why they chose this and not that, their whys and hows in raising their children. I am in no hold of that, and even the slightest wishful thinking and hatred that we could have better lives if they chose to couldn't be compared to the life itself that they have given. I learned to appreciate people's beauty with outside of what I physically see, that there are far far better things to look at other than a pretty face. And yes, there are girls, sometimes, they even happen to be my friends that are prettier, smarter, and rich(-er) and I just have to accept that fact with this in head: I am no less than special. Maybe, the stars have aligned with them on other things but I believe I have these things, too, that make me someone worthwhile. Everybody is worthwhile, it just takes your own self to accept that. As audacious as this may sound, I believe I can change, not the world really, but a person or two, in my own Mae Ann way. These realizations , usually happened in the shower and in bed during a lazy Home Reserve duty, came in slowly but surely. Aside from love and miracles, realizations need to take time, too. And when that happens, even the strongest winds cannot bend your mountain of learned self.

Ten days before my 26th birthday, I packed my bags and made to fulfill my greatest travel adventure by far. Together with my one of my closest pal, Virna, we went on a 9-day trip to the cities recommended by the article Date a Girl Who Travels that we stumbled upon on the internet.




 We started our trip by boating down on Mekong River, eating a lot of spring rolls and Bam, a local street food made of shredded corn, and drinking Saigon beer, making new friends, and purchasing North Face bags and jacket. We hopped the bus going to Cambodia with our bags and tummies full of appreciation for the Asian life. The 12-hour trip going to my ancient dream come true place has been worth all the hunger and exhaustion, not to mention literal pain-in-the-ass ride because I have Virna with me, who's as out spoken and smart as I have always thought of her. We stopped by the capital city, Phnom Penh, and discovered how brutal humans can be to their own kind after visiting the Choeung ek Killing Fields and the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum. The tour was informative and depressing at the same time we decided to not extend our trip and headed on to Siem Reap. 




The Cambodia tourist capital has been on of my travel wish list since that day our history teacher told us about Angkor Wat and the ancient city that had been built way before Christ. And it was nothing short of what I have expected it to be, in fact, even more than that. While everyone donned a costume and went out to be their favorite fictional characters for a few hours and get drunk, eventually, somewhere else, I was sleeping my way to witness the beautiful sunrise in the place I dreamt only in pictures. It was about 4:30 am (actually a little late because we still have to travel for about 30 minutes), but my prayers to the gods must have been heard because we weren't late for the sun's grand entrance (well, at least for me.). Alas! One item crossed off in my bucketlist! It was pure bliss. It was perfect. The whole day was spent touring the ancient city of Angkor Thom on a tuktuk and we were glad to have ridden the elephant even if it meant losing my deeply loved Raybans. On top of the mountain, the picturesque view of the whole ancient city with the sun setting was the best way to spend our last day in Cambodia. The 6-hour trip to reach Bangkok was another hell of a story. We got scammed by the bus liner, and got downgraded to an old van that tried and successfully fitted 20 people with different sizes, languages and smell. As soon as we reached the border, we have to walk for about a kilometer with our trolleys and big bags under the scorching heat to reach Thailand immigration. We spent the next 3 hours lining up before the immigration office, together with other travellers, mostly caucasians. After that, we were back on the road again, inside a van full of travellers from Europe and the US and at that moment, we didn't care anymore that we were exchanging sweats and we smelled like them. All we did want was to get to Bangkok the soonest time possible. And we made it! We could now officially call ourselves travellers! After almost the whole day travelling, we made it to a good hotel with free buffet breakfast for a cheap price. 



There's a lot of reason to visit Bangkok, but other than shopping for quality clothes at Platinum Mall, it's really the hotels that I like. Some hotels cost you only  a thousand pesos with buffet breakfast so it's really a great deal. And the MTR is such a convenience, clean and big enough to accommodate people even during rush hours. Because I only had limited time to spend there, the only place we went to was  the Royal Palace, the leaning Buddha, and the place where the tallest Buddha stands, as requested by Virna. It was where she prayed to get the international career in the skies and as it did come true so she was back to give thanks. The rest of the hours were spent shopping, as usual, but didn't say goodbye without having dinner by the side walk with your bare hands, a mandatory thing to when you visit Bangkok. I promised to be be back soon. And though I have more than a week's celebration out of the country, I was all by myself at the airport when the the clock hit 12 midnight, waiting for my flight back to Manila. I passed by the Mac Store and bought myself some nice little present, a make up brush set, and then headed to buy Aunt Annie's almond pretzel, and waited until boarding. I figured, being alone somewhere else when it is your birthday is okay except when in the airport, where saying goodbyes and hellos have been overrated. I could bear being on my bed sleeping but the mixed emotions plastered on people's faces really made me hate why I chose to work the day after my birthday. Although I kind of missed all the fun having to attend to visitors or invited close friends for an intimate dinner to give thanks, These are the wisdom  I gained on my trip which, well, in the sense of maturity and wide understanding of things, sort of made me grow up a little. Thanks to that hours of sitting in the bus and Virna, if you happen to read this, feel free to add some thing on the list!

1. You need to be single in your 20s. Many people who found themselves in a relationship since college and are still with the same person in their mid 20s are relationship dependent. They have been so used to being in a relationship that it scares the hell out of them to even think of being alone so they settle for their partners who put them last in their priority list or have had too many flings while being in commitment with them. So if you are in your 20s and still single, never ever doubt yourself. Instead of trying to fix what has already broken, why not go out and see the world, go places, eat street food, know cultures and take a lot of memories with you. Twenty's is the peak of our youth. They say, we only get to be young once, so don't waste it feeling sorry and trying to make a relationship work when it's only you who has been working on it all along.  Which puts me to
2. You need to know who you are first and foremost. If you want to have something that lasts, you gotta have to know what you really want. You need to be earn that too, by yourself, for yourself. Stop wishing for a good man to come along if you have been juggling men here and there. Same goes with the men.  Be the person you want to be with. If earning your best self and waiting for that person to come along takes too long...
3. He probably has lost his/her way and he isn't gonna find you. Kidding. Being single, if you know how to handle yourself (going back to number 2) is so much fun! Imagine having a good amount of money in the bank. For the first time in your life, you can actually save and isn't that a good thing? People in a relationship don't get as much saving as you have when you're single. How about random trips with friends or even alone, finding yourself. Travelling will never be boring. Open yourself up to the world and let them know you. It is just as great as having that one person, trust me. Nothing is more selfish, at the same time comforting feeling, that you only think about one thing, and that is yourself. You can go buy some pretty shoes just because, do your thing without someone to scold you. I mean, it's just another way to see things. That is why you really have to get to know yourself despite being surrounded with your couple friends and watching too many romantic flicks. Which leads me to...
4. Never settle. There will be days, yes, and sometimes there are a lot in a month that you feel vulnerable and unwanted but realize this: You have waited long enough, why can't you wait some more? I feel sorry for a lot of people who end up with someone because of sole security reason, or that they feel like they are getting old to bear children. They throw away the fact that you're going to have to live with that person for the rest of your living years. Movies and television series, even songs we hear are proofs that life's happiness will always come from small things and that wonderful person who will make you feel loved in all your forms. People say, you should choose a person who loves you more, That may be true. I guess it worked out for them having said that. But I beg to disagree. I believe that there will always be that one person who will love me and whom I will love the same way back. Just have faith, and again, never settle. 
5. A lot of books have handed out evidence of a person in love. I'm quite sure that in your 20s, you already know who's into you and who is just thinking of wanting to go to bed with you. If you haven't, read the book or watch the film "He's Not Just Into You" or download Good times with Mo Podcast or read Mo Twister's Ask.fm. 

I guess being in your late 20s, you have to relearn some things you might have forgotten because you were so busy growing up and some things, you need to unlearn, too. Never ever think you are too old for a dog to learn new tricks. Take your time but never take your days for granted. "The days are long and the years are short." as Gretchen Rubin puts it. So live life and don't just exist.  Cliche but nevertheless true, age is nothing but a number! 

Xoxo,

Mae

27, blessed, lucky, and loved  :)