On Moving On

"when people make you feel unwanted, don't leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they won't. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you."

Same Old Brand New Me

Dear Tumblr,
I've written this entry in your account 3 weeks after I was based in Cebu ( April 21, 2010). I just realized that I still want the same things as the one I've written there a year and four months ago.  The person I was referring to here, at the time being, is in a skype-driven love and yeah, we're still friends. Well, I gathered all the courage I could muster and asked him about us since I felt it has been a long delayed question. Plus, we have our own lives  now. He said he used to like me, but wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I don't know though, if he still likes me but I think he does! Haha! Just kidding! This would probably get to him sooner or later and he might just kill me for baring everything we understand about each other today.But whatever, we're friends. 
Reading this again though brought me to thinking about how stupid I was for taking for granted the person who showed for real what this entry was all about. I should stop saying sorry to him, because I am, in fact, sorry for myself for realizing it too late. Well, lessons have been learned.  

I woke up today with a heartache.  I need to have myself fixed before I become overly emotionally attached to this person. I never understand why I have to break down my walls I long built up for myself and let uncertainty stay close. And now, its even closer. I used to just be cool with it. No hassle, no drama, no demands.

But see, eventually, you’ll be coming to a point where you’d ask yourself of what’s missing. Those ‘what ifs’ that has been repeatedly playing in your little world called mind. This little world has too much toy-questions like, ” Why do you have to settle for a thing like this?” or “This is what you want, right?” until you won’t have a choice but to answer the questions you consciously been trying to get away from.

Let me tell you something. I am a sucker for romantic chic flicks because I want a happy ending. I listen to superficial love songs because I want a person I can sincerely dedicate it to. I envy couples that are crazy about each other because I want to be crazily in love, too.

My friend, who used to play around relationships,as far as I can remember, told me he’s ready to wear love up on his sleeve this time. He said, he wants something more than just one night stands or dating or hanging out. He wants sleepovers, DVD Marathons, unplanned trips, with someone for keeps. I used to not believe him, by the way. But then sometimes, you just gotta have faith.

I am putting this heartache here to let it stay here. I don’t want to waste my time putting up emotions over the uncertainty of what’s out there. I want to be good enough for that someone. I want someone willing to take the risk with me because he wants me THAT much. I want someone I can love like crazy and would love me the same way back.

On being Productive

Dearest Mamitas Virna and Chikay,
Thank you for last night's sleepover. I wish I could just transport everything I own in Salem and be with you guys. But you know my lazy ass well, so I'd probably be staying in the most depressing place on earth a little longer. But definitely, more sleepovers this time since I now know where you stay and how to get there without riding a cab which I find totally expensive. And of course, I want to be with you guys, too! Tin, Mhay, and Chi are great roomates as well and I probably tag them along in one of our Pasta and Wine nights. I wish Pinky lives a little closer and her salary gets a little higher (haha!) so she could be with us, too. 
I missed talks like that. I missed us. I missed writing again. I missed being smart. This place makes me think of nothing else other than facebook and twitter which I really hate. Being here makes me really lazy even more. I want to stop all this non sense and start being productive again. And so, you guys inspire me. Chik, I want to read the books you're reading  and take down notes, too! And Virna, I want to be creative, too! haha! Scrapbooking is definitely one of the many ways. 
Thank you trying to convince me to move in with you. I will, after the rainy season. Promise.


PS. Last night, the problem with me was that I don't know what I want. I know what I want, It's just that I find it so hard to put it into words. So I'm gonna try this time.
Aside from the given basics, I just want someone who can show me that it is okay to let my tallest and thickest guard down which has always been my problem. That I can be myself, despite my inconsistencies and insensitivities, and  who will make me realize that I should love with no regrets. And yes,like what Chik said, "Okay lang na lumabas kasi secure kami sa isa't isa; dahil takot syang mawala ako (or vice versa) kaya alam kong hindi nya gagawin yung mga bagay na makakapaghiwalay sa'min." Yes, I'd like that.